I have been singularly unobservant of my cats

I had thought that Shadow had continued as dominant cat over Christian. Then, perhaps two weeks ago Shadow rolled backwards off of her perch, falling about 7 feet to the floor. There was a flurry of black fur and flailing limbs and then a 'thump' as she struck the ground. She did not appear to have suffered in anything but her dignity, though she was slightly less active for the next three days (she still ran around, but didn't climb the vertical poles as much) and it seemed in the aftermath of that that Christian became more dominant, as if the accident had upset the hierarchy.

But then I thought back over the past few months, and realized that perhaps Christian has been dominant for some time. This would explain why Shadow gave up some of her activities after he moved in (specifically, she no longer climbs the longer of the two climbing posts, even when I attempt to lead her up there with a favorite toy). So, I think she's been bumped.

All of which probably means a lot more to me than it does to her. I am guilty of anthropomorphizing the cats to a degree, and I feel very badly for her not being allowed to do things that she previously enjoyed. I also feel guilty, since of course it's my fault that she's in this position. This is in addition to the guilt I feel for Scruffy himself.

Because Shadow is the favorite. She has been since day one. She wanted attention when I first met her and her brother, Scruffy, at the store to which the shelter had brought them, and when I tried to reach over and pet him, he didn't respond (apparently it had been a long day for both of them) but she came over for further petting and attention. Really, he came to my house because I was enthralled with her, and couldn't see separating them. I liked him well enough, and developed real affection for him, but she was the draw. And when he was removed from their cage for me to meet and eventually take home, he clung to the bars at the door, not wanting to leave the safety of that cage.

And Christian, too, is here in some degree because of Shadow. I didn't want her to be lonely and bored when I was away all day. If both Shadow and Scruffy had died - if I had killed them both, I wouldn't have adopted Christian. There would have been no reason to do so.

Which brings me to my point. I want Shadow to be top cat. I want the best of everything for her, even more so than I want the best for Christian, or wanted the best for Scruffy. All of it is ridiculous - ridiculous and juvenile - but that doesn't change the desire, or the pain at realizing that she's at the bottom of the hierarchy.

My poor kitten.

My poor Shadow.