Sackcloth and ashes

Right here, I want to say that I'm not proud of this.

While I had the cabinet door open in order to pull out a can for the cats' dinner last night, Shadow decided to explore the cabinet itself. She's done this before. I worry about her getting caught accidentally, so in an attempt to associate the cabinet with negative experiences, I closed the door after her, as I have done in the past.

The first time I did this, I opened the door again after perhaps a second. Shadow was entirely undeterred, and was still busy checking out the contents of the cabinet. The second time I waited waited - she meowed a bit, then after a minute she managed to push the door open from inside.

Last night I took a full trash can and placed it in front of both of the cabinet's doors.

I could hear her moving about from time to time, and the door thumped from time to time as she tried to push it open. I could hear her meowing piteously as I washed the dishes. Eventually, she fell silent.

I finished the dishes and waited for her to call again, as if her call might alert me to her predicament. I called her. I tapped on the cabinet door. Finally, a small, plaintive meow, and I opened both of the doors and set her free, acting as if I had just discovered that she had been trapped.

I imprisoned her for between 10 and 15 minutes. She was very happy to be freed. She purred and rubbed her face in mine for several minutes. As I write this, she is sitting in my lap. And today, when I had the cabinet open to get their breakfast, she looked in, but didn't even stick her head in, in spite of my purposely leaving the door open to see what she would do.

I think I may have scared some of the confidence and adventurousness out of her. I enjoyed those aspects of her personality. Even if I didn't, I certainly scared and abused her.

There isn't even a way that I could discuss it with her. I can't even say that I'm sorry.

I lie in ashes.